i've just been an online whore lately.
this post is protected in livejournal and xanga, but since no one reads this shit i can post FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE.


seeing as its been ... oh well, quite a while since i have written in this lonely lj, i decided to use my "study break" to write a lengthy entry. break, that is, from my 15 page paper that i have due tuesday, of which i have about 1 page, give or take a few lines.
so.. last time i left, i was hardcore transferring (well not hardcore, but seriously considering it). well since then, i've changed my mind. listed below are reasons
(1) i feel like a failure for giving up on swat. i'm unsatisfied with the way i lead my life, and me always doing things half-assed. and now, here i am faced with the biggest challenge of my life (thusfar) and i'm giving up, looking to go to another, easier school. i mean, yes i have been struggling hardcore to get the measly grades i've gotten here. when others complain about getting B's i am happy to get a B-/B. i know what background i have (high school that is) and i know writing is a weak point even though it's technically "my strong point" my writing isnt half as good as most of those who go here. and im constantly having to meet with professors. i dont want to get help from the writing center because i have before and they dont understand that i was never taught to write papers this way. i've learned to e-mail papers to my mom and have her read them over for me. they wont be excellent, but I know i've done well. SO i want to continue to learn and improve with each paper i hand in, i want to learn to manage my time, not get distracted and study more. and if i'm at an easier school, i may not have the pressing need to be so studious.
(2) although every seems to deny my claim of this, i am hard-core anti-social, shy girl. i make friends through friends i already have, and today cemented that idea for me. the 8 of us (main group of friends) were telling each other things we like about one another, and every comment about me (that is except for tanya) was about how they meet me through someone else. even stephen and javier (who live right next to me) didn't REALLY meet me until they started hanging out with tanya and sachi. so if i can barely make friends here, who's to say when i get to a school (connecticut college) that i don't know anyone in, that i will make friends fast... or even slow???
(3) in order for me to get home from conn. college, it requires more work, even though its about 30/45 min. closer to NYC.

so yea, i'm going to stay here at swat. i mean, if in the next week i change my mind, i did get into conn. college, so i could still transfer. but i'd be scared shitless at the idea of being somewhere alone. i'd probably just stay in my room for all of sophomore year and more perhaps.

transferring not happening... hmmm what else is new?
oh well, this is the last week of my first year in college. i am beyond excited to go home, my parents came by today, which was really nice, but seeing them doesn't have the same effect as seeing them at home.. and i miss pj and all his furry fatness, i miss laying on his stomach and feeling/hearing him purr and laying with him on the floor of my room in the afternoon when the sun hits that same spot. i love watching tv with him on the sofa and falling asleep together. i love when i take a shower he lays on the radiator and sleeps. for me there is no other man i need.
other important events:
i went to rutgers last week, which was so amazing. the campus is humungo... so many people (38,000). i went to several frat parties and i was so impressed. the people there are genuinely nice. i never felt like i didn't belong, and even though i didnt know anyone, whereever i went people were interested in where i was from and all those things. the alcohol was good (i didnt see mr. vladmir anywhere, smirnoff seemed to be the campus vodka) and the frat houses were decent (upstairs was really nice, basement was nice considering that's where the parties were held). the guys there didn't all seem weird and they didn't sulk around the dance floor, staring, and walking around in circles. they had the BALLS to go up to people and ask them to dance. i wanted to go back this weekend b/c the brothers of sigma alpha mu invited me back for this party or whatever (i do <3 them).

other stuff:
i'm scared that im not going to get a job for the summer. i have to call the people from banana republic to schedule an interview (in person). the person who did my phone interview sounded really excited to get me in, but i always anticipate a good outcome and then it always falls flat. if not, then i reallllyyy hope i get a job at american eagle. it would work out for me too b/c the discount would allow me to get more clothes and stuff since i shop there anyways.
being at swat has made me so self-concious, i have never ever had the strong desire to wake up earlier every morning so i can "do my face" i was always content taking 10 minutes in the morning to get ready, and i was fine with a t-shirt and any old pair of jeans. now i need to think about what im going to wear the night before and make sure my hair is done and i look semi-decent. i guess its mainly b/c of the guys here on campus. they idolize the same group of girls, and to them everyone else is worthless. coming here with a dangerously low self-esteem to start with didnt help the situation. i was/am never content with "my goods" and no matter how many times people my attempt to convince me otherwise, it doesnt matter. people say, oh who cares what guys think you're hot. but I care, and as of now i dont see any way to solve this matter. i cant talk to a therapist about it because i hate hate HATE talking to other people about my problems, and yes i have tried, for years, with different people. damn you swarthmore boys. you need to grow some cojones and look around.

on a different note..
the "group" all went out to see stick it last week. watching it made me miss gymnastics like HARDCORE. i miss beam, uneven bars. i miss being proud of my calluses on my hand. i miss falling and being even more determined to get it right. i miss standing on the beam doing my routine and not giving to shits about everything else in my life. i miss that feeling that i was the only one, that i was doing it for me. i miss being a hardcore perfectionist, never being continue to have an okay finish. i miss feeling fit and healthy (even though i still ate like a big). but i'm too old and tall to do that now. but if swat had gymnastic equipment, i wouldn't miss a beat. i wonder if i can get that for a phys. ed. requirement. i would love that.

ok, so i should either a) sleep or b) work on my paper.



p.s. F U SWAT!


if i dont know you, forget what you just read, and look away.