damn homie

there are three of things like this..lj, xanga, and this. i dont use xanga anymore. lj i post in occasionally, more so than this one. Actually now its been quite ahile since i've posted in this one.

the previous post are still sort of relevent.
but i dont think im going to discuss that right now. ha.

thank god the semester is almost over. im going home this tuesday for a little break which will be realllly nice. yea. real nice. oohh reba's on back later.


PS... this is much later than the majority of the above was written
i realized i clicked save as draft instead of publish post.
oops

transfer applications + fees for all the scores to send to the colleges are going to be over $250 this time around i have to pay for it all. hopefully it's worth it. i'm seriously flat broke. like $0 to my name. I look in the couch for change.


i should just drop out of school. seriously. i don't even like college. and i don't know what i reallly want to do with my life.

i've just been an online whore lately.
this post is protected in livejournal and xanga, but since no one reads this shit i can post FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE.


seeing as its been ... oh well, quite a while since i have written in this lonely lj, i decided to use my "study break" to write a lengthy entry. break, that is, from my 15 page paper that i have due tuesday, of which i have about 1 page, give or take a few lines.
so.. last time i left, i was hardcore transferring (well not hardcore, but seriously considering it). well since then, i've changed my mind. listed below are reasons
(1) i feel like a failure for giving up on swat. i'm unsatisfied with the way i lead my life, and me always doing things half-assed. and now, here i am faced with the biggest challenge of my life (thusfar) and i'm giving up, looking to go to another, easier school. i mean, yes i have been struggling hardcore to get the measly grades i've gotten here. when others complain about getting B's i am happy to get a B-/B. i know what background i have (high school that is) and i know writing is a weak point even though it's technically "my strong point" my writing isnt half as good as most of those who go here. and im constantly having to meet with professors. i dont want to get help from the writing center because i have before and they dont understand that i was never taught to write papers this way. i've learned to e-mail papers to my mom and have her read them over for me. they wont be excellent, but I know i've done well. SO i want to continue to learn and improve with each paper i hand in, i want to learn to manage my time, not get distracted and study more. and if i'm at an easier school, i may not have the pressing need to be so studious.
(2) although every seems to deny my claim of this, i am hard-core anti-social, shy girl. i make friends through friends i already have, and today cemented that idea for me. the 8 of us (main group of friends) were telling each other things we like about one another, and every comment about me (that is except for tanya) was about how they meet me through someone else. even stephen and javier (who live right next to me) didn't REALLY meet me until they started hanging out with tanya and sachi. so if i can barely make friends here, who's to say when i get to a school (connecticut college) that i don't know anyone in, that i will make friends fast... or even slow???
(3) in order for me to get home from conn. college, it requires more work, even though its about 30/45 min. closer to NYC.

so yea, i'm going to stay here at swat. i mean, if in the next week i change my mind, i did get into conn. college, so i could still transfer. but i'd be scared shitless at the idea of being somewhere alone. i'd probably just stay in my room for all of sophomore year and more perhaps.

transferring not happening... hmmm what else is new?
oh well, this is the last week of my first year in college. i am beyond excited to go home, my parents came by today, which was really nice, but seeing them doesn't have the same effect as seeing them at home.. and i miss pj and all his furry fatness, i miss laying on his stomach and feeling/hearing him purr and laying with him on the floor of my room in the afternoon when the sun hits that same spot. i love watching tv with him on the sofa and falling asleep together. i love when i take a shower he lays on the radiator and sleeps. for me there is no other man i need.
other important events:
i went to rutgers last week, which was so amazing. the campus is humungo... so many people (38,000). i went to several frat parties and i was so impressed. the people there are genuinely nice. i never felt like i didn't belong, and even though i didnt know anyone, whereever i went people were interested in where i was from and all those things. the alcohol was good (i didnt see mr. vladmir anywhere, smirnoff seemed to be the campus vodka) and the frat houses were decent (upstairs was really nice, basement was nice considering that's where the parties were held). the guys there didn't all seem weird and they didn't sulk around the dance floor, staring, and walking around in circles. they had the BALLS to go up to people and ask them to dance. i wanted to go back this weekend b/c the brothers of sigma alpha mu invited me back for this party or whatever (i do <3 them).

other stuff:
i'm scared that im not going to get a job for the summer. i have to call the people from banana republic to schedule an interview (in person). the person who did my phone interview sounded really excited to get me in, but i always anticipate a good outcome and then it always falls flat. if not, then i reallllyyy hope i get a job at american eagle. it would work out for me too b/c the discount would allow me to get more clothes and stuff since i shop there anyways.
being at swat has made me so self-concious, i have never ever had the strong desire to wake up earlier every morning so i can "do my face" i was always content taking 10 minutes in the morning to get ready, and i was fine with a t-shirt and any old pair of jeans. now i need to think about what im going to wear the night before and make sure my hair is done and i look semi-decent. i guess its mainly b/c of the guys here on campus. they idolize the same group of girls, and to them everyone else is worthless. coming here with a dangerously low self-esteem to start with didnt help the situation. i was/am never content with "my goods" and no matter how many times people my attempt to convince me otherwise, it doesnt matter. people say, oh who cares what guys think you're hot. but I care, and as of now i dont see any way to solve this matter. i cant talk to a therapist about it because i hate hate HATE talking to other people about my problems, and yes i have tried, for years, with different people. damn you swarthmore boys. you need to grow some cojones and look around.

on a different note..
the "group" all went out to see stick it last week. watching it made me miss gymnastics like HARDCORE. i miss beam, uneven bars. i miss being proud of my calluses on my hand. i miss falling and being even more determined to get it right. i miss standing on the beam doing my routine and not giving to shits about everything else in my life. i miss that feeling that i was the only one, that i was doing it for me. i miss being a hardcore perfectionist, never being continue to have an okay finish. i miss feeling fit and healthy (even though i still ate like a big). but i'm too old and tall to do that now. but if swat had gymnastic equipment, i wouldn't miss a beat. i wonder if i can get that for a phys. ed. requirement. i would love that.

ok, so i should either a) sleep or b) work on my paper.



p.s. F U SWAT!


if i dont know you, forget what you just read, and look away.

i've sort of been really busy lately. so currently working [while callie sleeps].
i've been so busy lately, i havent been to sachi's room in about a week, which is really odd b/c i'd usually go at least 2 or 3 times. i finished a paper a day before it was due, which felt amazing. i have to buy and read my book for my psyc attachment... i should get on that.
This weekend is the sager party, which i hear should be quite interesting. I dont really know what I want to wear... wearing less is not really kosher. well see what happens.
so whats coming up in the next 6 weeks?? well definitely no strokes or taking back sunday, those shits were sold out during the pre-sale. um i just see a lot of work. I find out if i got into conn college or rutgers end of april beginning of may. but housing for next year at swat is before then, so im going to do the housing lottery stuff before then and see what happens. possibly going somewhere with stephen, tanya, sarah, carmella, sachi, and maribel.. not sure yet, sachi wants to go to six flags, but not so sure about that. well, calli is waking up, so until next time.


adios.

woot. just came back from the gym.
going 5 days a week. 3 days on treadmill/ ellipse two days playing tennis. then i come back to my room and do crunches and stuff.

yussss.
being home is the best thing ever. so here's a basic summary of my last few days here at home:
1. Friday - went to Taste of Chaos in Meadowlands. Saw Atreyu (2nd time), Funeral for a Friend (1st time, last time i was supposed to see them lead singer had throat surgery), As I Lay Dying (1st time), The Receiving End of Sirens (1st time), Story of the Year (1st time) and some others. It was really good, but we were seated instead of below in the general admission. But I went with my sister, and i knew that there was going to be some serious moshing, and there was, so it was good we were seated. There was a weird guy next to me who kept hitting on me. I told him I was 16 and not from around here and my mom doesnt want me dating older men (he said he was 23). He kept inviting me to go to a Yankee game saying he could always get the best seats. I told him i was a Red Sox fan (not a lie). He seemed offended.
2. Saturday- During the day i just hung out, did some work. At night I met up with Cheryl to go to see The Cloud Room in Maxwells. We got there too early, ended up standing around. I hadnt eaten and I was starving. I left at 12 before the band had finished.
3. Sunday - I dont really remember what I did Sunday. I think I just hung around the house.... oh and i saw the Oscars. I'm glad Crash won.
4 Monday - Hung around the house in the morning, then at 4:30 went to pick up Susan to go to Edgewater. WEnt to starbucks and target. I miss going to Starbucks. I remember going so many times over the summer. Got to catch up with Susan, see what was going on with her. She's moving in with her boyfriend over the summer. It's weird, because thats something old people do... you know? its hard to image friends of mine doing that. but i guess most of them are old.
5 Tuesday - went to NYC. Had the best quiche at the french bakery i always go to on 110th st. In the evening hung out with Tanya and Sachi, we went to Starbucks, Target, and the Promenade. Much fun.

so that leaves today. when i did nothing, which i thoroughly enjoyed. oh yea, so if you can tell, i didnt go to Montreal. I cant leave home, i dont have much work to do, and i can enjoy home. Friday going into NYC again with Tanya, although I want to go in tomorrow too.

HOME bitches. getting ready to go to hoboken tonight... land of the yuppies. going to a show in maxwells with cheryl. woot. montreal this wednesday. ahh!

oh, by the way i am not responsible for ANY comments i made on the night of the 2nd. i was drunk. which you may have been able to tell. and i am not responsible for any actions my roommates and i did on our way back to our dorm

10 days until montreal. the forecast looks good for next week. it'll be cold, but still okay. we havent reserved a hotel yet, but we'll probably be doing it early next week.
plans for spring break while i'm home? spending time in nyc... going downtown. going to a show. taking my sister to taste of chaos [meadowlands]. shopping??? I dont have a large paper due after spring break, all my stuff is before. so thats good.


estephany came to visit this weekend. it was fun.
oh yea, and today [at some point in the day] im going to cut my hair... not myself heh. but going into the ville to hair studio and chopping off 4/5 inches. this happens once a year, i get the strongest desire to just hack off my hair. and it's happening a little early this year, but oh well. i mean i could wait until i get home [about 6 days] and just get it cut at hair loft... but i cant wait. i have no patience.

um. have i reallly posted lately?? no. so i guess here goes.
what have i been doing lately? not much work. havent doing much of the reading. i've been sick. like whoa. not necessarily deathly sick, just a constant sick that bugs the shit out of me. always coughing blah blah blah. it's gross so i wont share the details.
nothing too crazy has been going on in these parts. just normal weekends.
spring break a bunch of us are going up to montreal for a couple days. driving up there should be so funny.
going to taste of chaos on march 3 with my sister, it was my christmas gift to her. im excited last year it was in asbury park which is too far for me to drive. I wanted to get tickets to bamboozled but its the week before finals. boohoo.

Lazy Sunday wake up in the late afternoon
call Parnell just to see how he's doing
hello what up pas! yo sandburg, whats rocking?
you thinking what i'm thinking? narnia! then it's happening!
But first, my hunger pangs are sticking like duct tape
let's hit up magnolia and mack on some cupcakes
No doubt, that bakery's got all the bomb frosting.
i love those cupcakes like mcadams loves gosling
2 no 6 no 12, bakers dozen!
i told you that i'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin!
yo wheres the movie playing? upper west side dude!
let's hit up yahoo maps to find the dopest route.
i prefer mapquest! that's a good one too.
googlemaps is the best! true that! double true!
68th and broadway step on it sucker!
what you want to do chris? snack attack, motherfcuker!
what the chronic(les!) of narnia!
we love that chronic(les!) of narnia!
pass that chronic(les!) of narnia!
yo stop at the deli, the theatre is overpriced!
you got that backpack? i'm going to pack it up nice.
we don't want security to get suspicious!
mr pibbs plus red vines equals crazy delicious.
reach in my pocket and pull out some dough
girl acted like she never seen a $10 before!
it's all about the hamiltons baby
throw the snacks in a bag and i'm ghost like swayze.
roll up to the theate ticket buying what we're handling,
Call us Aaron Burr from the way we're dropping hamiltons
in our seats movie trivia is the illest!
question: what friends star starred in a movie with bruce willis?
we answered so fast it was scary:
everyone stared at us when we screamed matthew perry!
quiet in the theatre or else it'll get tragic
we're about to be taken to a dream world of magic
what the chronic(les!) of narnia! (repeats)
we love that chronic(les!) of narnia!
pass that chronic(les!) of narnia!

dude i cant wait to go home this weekend. it's going to be insanely amazing to leave swarthmore. seriously. another week of being here and im going to drive myself insane. i hate seeing the same people over and over again, i hate trees, i hate septa. i need city. i need big school.
and this should fuel another hour of work on my applications. heck yes.

FUCK FUCK FUCK
yes, that is the language of the week. and it seems to be the language of the night.

i have to finish this paper for 9:55 tomorrow morning. its only 4 pages but i feel like im writing a 100 page paper. my brain is mush

booyah bitches.
weekend over.
can i say quad 202 is theeee best?!? of course i can, because saturday night clearly proved that. and i am master of jello. sadly my ipod earbuds did not survive and they are being retired. new pair on the way.
OH! im going home this upcoming weekend. going to surprise the parents. so dont do anything exciting. seriously.
currently spending and getting mucho money! woot. thats a good way to live. and that means i get many packages. which i always love. i hate seeing my empty little mailbox. that little package paper makes me excited, even if i know what it is.
so here i go, off to spending money. moping, and not working

currently in the third week back. february starts tomorrow. it's crazy. seriously.
radio shoooowwwwww saturdays at 11 am. listen here [wsrn.swarthmore.edu]
things to do this weekend... well saturday is the quad fiesta. bring all your friends. but i have a paper due tuesday, so probably not too much crazyness, but who knows.
possible idea for spring break '06- montreal, where the drinking age is 18, cheryl and i are exciteddd woot woot. yay for canadians. but first i need to get money for that.
classes are progressing okay. not too much work, yet. i have a psyc midterm in two weeks, how exciting.
planning on going home either the 10th or the 18th, i havent decided yet, depends on my work schedule, though probably the 18th, since its the weekend before my mom's b'day and i cant go home for her b'day.

uhh.. im back? does that require a woot woot? i hope not, b/c not to happy about being back.
we'll see how semester dos goes. not that semester uno was bad, it just wasn't great... and coming from summer zero cinco, i expected only great things. how does one follow up the greatest summer of all? maybe this is the semester of greatness.


quad 202 is having a fiesta feb. 4. we still cant decide what to serve, definitely jello shots, b/c it seems to be the addiction of choice lately. however, we've thrown around ideas of tequila, kaluha, peach schnapps (it was for a purpose, but i forgot what we wanted to make). we'll see what happens.

currently what boredom results in:

Your Life: The Soundtrack
Opening credits:	Jumble, Jumble- White Stripes
Waking up:	Beverly Hills- Weezer
Average day:	Swollen Summer- The Bravery
First date:
Falling in love:	Until the Day I Die- Story of the Year
Love scene:	Love this way- eden's crush
Fight scene:	Every day i love you less and less- kaiser chiefs
Breaking up:	Over You- Acceptance
Getting back together:	Note to self- From First to Last
Secret love:	Beating Hearts Baby- Head Automatica
Life's okay:	happy alone- kings of leon
Mental breakdown:	Attention- The Academy Is
Driving:	Molly's Chambers- Kings of Leon
Learning a lesson:	attractive today- motion city soundtrack
Deep thought:	everything i once had- the honorary title
Flashback:	such great heights- the postal service
Partying:	At the speed of a yellow bullet- head automatica
Happy dance:	shimmy shimmy quarter turn- hellogoodbye
Regreting:	i'm not ok [i promise]- my chemical romance
Long night alone:	niki fm- hawthorne heights
Death scene:	love rhymes with hideous car wreck- blood brothers
Closing credits:	guavaberry- juan luis guerra
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